the blog quebecois

Instructions on catsitting by a(n apparently-insane) woman named Kelly. Full text here.

You wouldn't expect the crowd at Digg to be a bunch of cat-lovers and you would be correct in that guess. But that didn't stop them from offering much advice of their own.

There's been a story circulating the last few days about a Chinese man, whose "friends," following a drinking party, somehow managed to insert a live eel into his rectum. Tragically, the eel attempted to chew its way out, causing heavy intestinal bleeding which killed the man.

You can read about it here. I wasn't going to link to it. I do attempt to maintain some standards, after all.

Unfortunately, Scott "Dilbert" Adams doesn't share my scruples, and posted the story to his blog:

This tragic situation, which I think we all agree is not funny, raises many questions.

1. With friends like that, who needs enemas?

2. How low did this man set the bar for friends?

3. What were his friends imbibing when they came up with this idea, and how can I get some of that?

4. How difficult is it to insert an eel into a rectum? Did they straighten and freeze the eel a little bit first? Otherwise it seems like trying to push a rope through a keyhole.

5. How did the man sleep through it?

In my own life, I have a strict rule for determining who to call my friends. Rule 46 states that any person who tries to insert a live eel into my rectum is automatically disqualified. If the eel is dead, obviously that's just good fun. I'm not a killjoy.

As a conspiracy enthusiast, I have to wonder if the friends were trying to cover up an even more embarrassing violation of the presumably drunken victim's hindquarters.

Friend 1: "Uh-oh. When he wakes up, he's going to know what we did."

Friend 2: "Not if we put a live octopus in his rectum. That should cover our tracks."

Friend 1: "That's insane! You can't put a live octopus in a rectum!"

Friend 2: "Live eel?"

Friend 1: "Fine. Remind me to never be the first one who falls asleep in this crowd."

Which led to the following comment by "Shadowrider":

When your friends are really crass
and there's an eel up your ass,
That's a moray!

Shocking, shocking. Let's leave Dean Martin out of this, m'kay?

And yet there were some who said he couldn't be trained.

Accidental Penis

Warning: Might be NSFW, depending on how much of a dick your boss is.

Warning: Marginally NSFW

Story.