the blog quebecois

Specifically I am pissed off about the quality of Russian porno.

Don't get me wrong.

I'm glad that we (OK, the US and Britain) won the Cold War. This was a good thing. It led to the collapse of the Soviet Union, which is a doublegoodplus thing.

But unfortunately with Russia's historic turn to democracy and free markets and especially with the advent of the Internet we are flooded with easily available, professional-quality, Russian porno. (Yay, DSL!)

Or so I am told.

I wouldn't have any objection to Russian porno, which, I am informed, features some very attractive women, a disturbing distribution of men who look like V.I. Lenin, and the usual cheesy plots.

Hypothetically, what would really frost my shorts about Russian porno is that the dialogue would necessarily be in Russian, which I am sure is a very lovely language but it sounds like someone trying to gargle Lego blocks.

Plus, you don't know what the little mincing Minsk is actually saying.

Is it "Ooooh, DO me big boy!"?

Or is she talking about DOOOoooostoyevski?

I think that it'd be definitely deflating to have Raskolnikov or the Brothers Karamazov wander through my mind at critical moments.

Kamerad Putin! Put UP this Wall!

Yet another step on the primrose path to perdition has just been proposed by the chairman of the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority, Suzi Leather (beware of people in authority who use diminutives of their names).

Amen. Also beware of people in authority who have the surname "Leather."

Suzi. Suzi Leather. Mistress Suzi Leather. (Or, more likely, Mssssstress.)

The always-provocative Theodore Dalrymple in the Telegraph.

This is gross.

But not as gross as this.

(Via Dave Barry.)

Without further comment, the Trojan Sexual Organ.

something strange is happening to me
i don’t know what these shivers mean to you
is this fiction romance getting hold

-- the buzzcocks

At long last, the 2003 (what, it takes 4 months to do the voting?) Worst Romance Novel Covers have been announced:

Nana had some hilarious things to say about several of the contenders, and I laughed out loud at her assessment of this one: "My choice, Flavor of the Month, brings me absolutely no joy and no small degree of the willies. I don't want to know what's on his face. I don't want to know what it is, I don't want to know how it got there, I don't want to know what it tastes like, and I don't want to know why he's enjoying this so much. It's as if someone mistook him for the underside of a middle school desk. All copies of this cover should be destroyed, and those of us who have seen it should undertake to repress it as quickly and thoroughly as possible."

via RandomURL

My uncle always used to say to me, "Urrrrrgh!" and then go back to sleep. But occasionally I'd find a note in my lunchbox that said, "If you're going to take upskirt shots of women without their knowledge, it's best not to use a flash."

Sage advice from Gizmodo.

oh, I wonder, wonder who
but who knew who
who wrote the book of love

-- the monotones

This is hilarious, but not very worksafe (unless you happen to be Bill Clinton's new intern).

Click on one of the buttons on the left and watch as the love secrets of the ancients are displayed in glorious wire-frame mapping!

But there's more! It slices, it dices, it --

Sorry, wrong script.

Click on the button at the upper right and you can position, rotate and choreograph to your heart's content. Discover love secrets that the ancients never thought of, or decided to postpone until the invention of chiropractors.

Yes, it's hours of fun for the whole family! Order now and --

Oops. Wrong script again.

out of wisdom and out of pearls
tell me how do you talk to girls
am I stupid or misunderstood
i’d say something clever if I only could

-- rick springfield

I was going to stay in and blog tonight, but I found this collection of killer pickup lines, so I'm off to the bar to try them out.

If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
You're ugly but you intrigue me.
Oooh, you're lookin' fine. Not in the good way, in the "you'll do" way.
Baby did you fart, 'cause you blow me away!

I will let you know how well they worked, assuming I make it out alive.

This is from Planned Parenthood. I've seen North Korean propaganda that's more entertaining, not to mention more professionally done.

Warning: Sort of worksafe, depending on your tolerance for lousy voice acting, cheesy music and atrocious animation.

Damn the legal consequences -- I'm going to drive the traffic up on this blog, and if I have to post links like this, it's worth it.

Here you go, you degenerates. Hot, steaming kitty porn.

I feel so . . . so . . . dirty.

Via The Presurfer

nothing but vanity
can’t you see
feel deception
lost direction

mono

Reuters:

BERLIN - A plan by a German zoo to test the sexual appetites of a group of suspected homosexual penguins has sparked outrage among gay and lesbian groups, who fear zookeepers might force them to turn straight.

Those diabolical zookeepers! Oh, you meant the penguins?

"All sorts of gay and lesbian associations have been e-mailing and calling in to protest," said a spokesman for the zoo in the northwestern city of Bremerhaven on Friday.

He said the zoo concluded the penguins might be gay after seeing male penguins trying to mate with other males and trying to hatch offspring out of stones.

Not the sharpest knives in the drawer, are they? Oh, you thought I meant the zookeepers?

German media reported that female Swedish penguins

Hubba, hubba.

would be brought to the zoo to test the theory, but when word got out about the plan, the phones started ringing.

"Nobody here is trying to break-up same sex pairs by force," the zoo's director Heike Kueck told public broadcaster NDR. "We don't know if the three male pairs are really gay or just got together because of a lack of females."

I think they're just trying to shock their parents.

this careless woman
don’t hate her
she’s a poor nurse

bjork

CTV:

TORONTO — Ontario nurses are incensed at Virgin Mobile Canada's new ad campaign, saying its depiction of nurses in short skirts and stiletto heels is demeaning to their profession.

Virgin Mobile launched its Canadian mobile phone service this week with a publicity stunt by billionaire owner Sir Richard Branson.

The Registered Nurses' Association of Ontario is demanding a public apology from Branson, founder of the U.K.-based Virgin Group. The 21,000-member association also wants the company to immediately cease its advertising campaign.

"If he (Branson) wants to aim for controversy, he needs to find a different target,'' said Doris Grinspun, the association's executive director.

No, it sounds like he found the right one.

I agree, it is in shockingly bad taste to present Ontario nurses as sex objects. This is because they are invariably 200+ pounds with all the personality of crabapples. So begone with your filthy stereotypes, Branson!

Doris Grinspun. The name just screams "party girl," doesn't it?

Via NealeNews

nice girls, not one with a defect
cellophane shrink-wrapped, so correct
red dogs under illegal legs
she looks so good that he gets down and begs

elvis costello

You especially want to keep an eye on these two, who seem to have simultaneously dislocated their shoulders.

From the June 1959 edition of Girl Watcher magazine. (Click on the picture to see the rest of the issue. Safe for work? Your call -- no nudity, but doubtless some would be offended by the entire concept.)

she walked up to me and she asked me to dance
i asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said, lola
l-o-l-a lola, lo lo lo lola

the kinks

Don't fall for it, dudes! "Caroline" is, like, a boy!

Warning: SFX.

COPENHAGEN (Reuters) - Women may be able to fool their partners by faking an orgasm but a brain scanner will catch them out every time, a conference heard Monday.

Researchers at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands have used scans to show that different areas of the brain are stimulated during an orgasm but are not activated when a woman fakes it.

Right. I can see that the monitor beeping could be a major turnoff. Also, attaching the electrodes.

I wonder if reversing the polarity on those things might generate some good lovin'-dovin'?

Or possibly an epileptic fit.

Progressive Thai farmers steal a march on Canada:

Two dwarf brahman cattle are to get 'married' in Thailand in what's thought to be a world first.

Krachang Kanokprasert, owner of the bull, originally wanted to buy the bride - who stands 70cm tall and weighs 50kg - but her owner refused to sell.

Instead, the farmers agreed to join the diminutive breeding stock in matrimony, with the date set for July 10, reports local media.

The ceremony, in the province of Sa Kaew, east of Bangkok, will be conducted with all the usual wedding pomp.

Over to you, Prime Minister.

Ananova:

I, for one, am getting sick of these Romanians and their dysfunctional sex lives.

The Internets used to be a nice place that you could take your children to, but then they had to show up and ruin everything.

Damn Romanians.

And because there's not a thing you can do to stop me. And because it's easier than writing something.

There are nekked wimmins on the Internets? Who knew?

Warning: NSFW uncropped image here.

And no, I have no idea what those blue things around her waist are. Possibly some sort of charm bracelet. I would have to examine it up close and personal to be sure.

Oh my. Oh my.

What is it with women and refigerators? If I buy the latter, does it come with the former?

Can I suckle her children? I'm just askin'.

Oh my.

Redhead? check! Brunette? check! Blonde . . . blonde . . . I seem to have mislaid my blonde picture. I must have had a blonde moment. Though I assure you, she was very hot.

In the meantime, "Monique"! (Or whatever you'd choose to call her. If I had the time, I'd Photoshop her overexposed thumb. Or maybe not. It depends on which purposes "she" proposes to put it. Ohmigod. I'd never thought of . . . the bottle opener).

And if you are dumb enough to click on the NSFW link: Well, you probably didn't need that job anyway.

NSFW link here.

Update: It has been called to my attention that I "accidentally" put up the Paint Shop Pro "attempt" at avoiding "Monique"'s "naughty" "bits". I assure you that this is not the case. If "Monique" had "naughty" "bits," I would be pleased to show them. With "her" "permission," of course.

That doesn't mean that I'm not going to keep on looking.

Warning: NSFW link. My preemptive apologies to the lovely young model, Josie Maranzouk (I think that that's the correct spelling) for copyright infringement, etc. Also, she is all elbows and angles, or as Anthony Burgess memorably remarked, the equivalent of taking a bicycle to bed.

But O! those elbows! O! Those angles!

So instead we went to this park where I smoke another cigarette while he digs another hole. I didn�t time it but I think it was about 45 minutes before he finished. He was crying the whole time also and would periodically look up at me and mumble how it was �all his fault�. I said a couple things about how I needed to be getting back but he was oblivious, I just decided to wait it out. Finally he finishes, dumps the raccoon in and stands up, he�s still crying. I light another cigarette and try not to look at him. �Well?� he says. I look up. �SAY SOMETHING!!� he�s crying harder now. So I mutter something about �God please guide this raccoon to your heavenly bosom�� etc, he begins to fill in the whole and who should show up then but two police officers.

A collection of Dates From Hell by (mainly) Chicagoans. It truly is "that toddlin' town."

No, I have no idea what "toddlin'" means, either.

Warning: Language; and if you're at all like me, the danger of laughing out loud at some of them.

Via A Gallimaufry Of Links

I don't make this stuff up, folks. Apart from the stuff that I do make up, I mean. But I didn't make this one up.

Ottawa Sun:

BUST IN VAGINA THEFT

A 19-year-old man faces a theft charge after a hand-held vagina was stolen from an adult video store in Kingston. Police said the suspect allegedly selected the sex toy, ran from the Bath St. store and was chased by a staffer. Police found the man 10 minutes after the $80 toy was stolen. "We found him around the corner -- and he had used it," said Const. Neil Finn. The toy was apparently dumped after being used and was not recovered.

Mainichi Daily News:

Japan has recently claimed the world air guitar championship, but Weekly Playboy (10/2) notes that less well known is that Japan already had a world champ in another virtual sport -- air sex!

Just like air guitar pits competitors prancing around on stage empty handed but acting as though they were playing a hot riff, air sex requires players to simulate sauciness as though with a partner, but actually while alone.

"Air sex was originally invented by guys who couldn't get girlfriends, but desperately want to have sex," J-Taro Sugisaku, the self-professed creator of air sex, tells Weekly Playboy.

Sheik Jassem al-Mutawah 'splains the difference between men and women.

Warning: It's in Arabic, but you can turn down the sound and read the subtitles. Also, some of the banner ads might be marginally NSFW. Be sure to tune in next week, when the Sheik discusses boobies.

press.co.nz:

Vegansexuals are people who do not eat any meat or animal products, and who choose not to be sexually intimate with non-vegan partners whose bodies, they say, are made up of dead animals.

The co-director of the New Zealand Centre for Human and Animal Studies at Canterbury University, Annie Potts, said she coined the term after doing research on the lives of "cruelty-free consumers".

Cruelty-Free Consumption in New Zealand: A National Report on the Perspectives and Experiences of Vegetarians and other Ethical Consumers asked 157 people nationwide about everything from battery chickens to sexual preferences.

Many female respondents described being attracted to people who ate meat, but said they did not want to have sex with meat-eaters because their bodies were made up of animal carcasses.

No, we usually poop them out. Day or two, tops. Unless those bones get stuck again.

See, I can be adult about this. Unlike these news anchors at WBFS Miami, who seem to find the subject amusing. Warning: News anchors, amused.

Ananova:

An eight-year-old boy had to be freed by firefighters after getting stuck in a pair of handcuffs he found in his mum's bedroom.

Firefighters took the schoolboy to Copnor Fire Station in Portsmouth, Hampshire, to be freed with industrial metal cutters.

The cuffs were described as made of "hardened steel" and not meant as a toy, reports Portsmouth's The News.

Firefighter Dan French said: "The little boy came to the fire station with his grandmother and had the cuffs hanging from one wrist.

"Before we released him I asked if he was on the run from the police but he assured me he wasn't. And then his grandmother said he'd found the cuffs in his mother's bedroom.

"She immediately realised what she'd said and put her hand over her mouth. It's beyond my wildest imagination why someone would keep handcuffs in their bedroom!"

A puzzle indeed, Fireman Dan! This woman must be ruthlessly interrogated until we get to the bottom of the matter!

When we go out for breakfast and a cop shows up at the Denny's we are at, handcuffs her, puts her in the back of the squad car and threatens to arrest me for kidnapping the (unknown at the time) Sheriff's Daughter.

In honor of Valentine's Day, Fark.com started a thread on lousy first dates.

Warning: I didn't fully read the thread, and doubtless it's grown considerably since. Though Fark does screen out most profanity, things do slip through and people sometimes post pictures that are NSFW.

But by far the worst date I've ever heard about was one by this woman, who posted it to Gapers Block, a sort of Craig's List-like page for Chicagoans:

So instead we went to this park where I smoke another cigarette while he digs another hole. I didn't time it but I think it was about 45 minutes before he finished. He was crying the whole time also and would periodically look up at me and mumble how it was "all his fault". I said a couple things about how I needed to be getting back but he was oblivious, I just decided to wait it out. Finally he finishes, dumps the raccoon in and stands up, he's still crying. I light another cigarette and try not to look at him. "Well?" he says. I look up. "SAY SOMETHING!!" he's crying harder now. So I mutter something about God please guide this raccoon to your heavenly bosom etc, he begins to fill in the whole and who should show up then but two police officers.

Scientists know this reflex as the "Coolidge Effect." It earned its name many years ago when [US President Calvin] Coolidge and his wife were touring a farm. While the President was elsewhere, the farmer proudly showed Mrs. Coolidge a rooster that "could copulate with hens all day long, day after day." Mrs. Coolidge coyly suggested that the farmer tell that to Mr. Coolidge, which he did.

The President thought for a moment and then inquired, "With the same hen?"

"No, sir," replied the farmer.

"Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge," retorted the President.

Via kottke.org

Penthouse's fabled fact-checkers take a long-overdue look at the readers' fantasy section, the Forum:

In the letter "Rent Payments," the letter writer described his landlady as having "the flawlessly tanned and toned body of a much younger woman" and "full, pouty lips that promised-and later delivered-satisfaction." The landlady, in fact, does not exist. Nor does the letter writer possess "an impressive love-tool that all the ladies crave." He did, however, totally make out with this one girl once and they were so going to do it, until his mom came home. Really.

Google Trends:

If you don't know what a Fleshlight is, consider yourself fortunate. Warning: Link NSFW.

Er, cancel the Fleshlight order. I just happened across this book that shows the horrific fate that awaits practitioners of the loathsome vice. A close call indeed!

Marilyn Monroe look-alike contestants Julie Meyer of Covington, left and Kelly Sengewald of Mt. Healthy give their best impression on stage for the Hollywood Casino Marilyn Monroe look-alike contest on Fountain Square Friday June 26.

The [Cincinnati] Enquirer

That's good to know, because I sure would have hated to have seen their worst impression.

Via J-Walk Blog

I'm not much into bestiality, especially of the arthropod/crustacean (though what kind of sordid, vile -- shudder! -- couplings they manage on their own is entirely praiseworthy and deserving of a government parade or two) variety, so how I came to be in possession of this fine example is anybody's guess. I'm afraid to go poking around in my images directory for fear of what else I might find.

But I call it Wikipedia.

The Daily Telegraph:

SWEDISH tourism bodies have been swamped with inquiries from millions of men captivated by a mythical town rumoured to be home to 25,000 sex-mad lesbians.

The town of ‘Chako Paul City’ is said to have been founded in 1820 in the northern Swedish woods by a wealthy man-hating widow.

Two blonde women are rumoured to stand guard at the town, which also features a medieval castle.

Many of the town’s female residents turned to homosexuality "because they could not suppress their sexual needs," Chinese news service Harbin News reports.

The myth has been embraced by the Chinese media, with millions of men crippling the country’s internet providers trying to find out how to get to the town.

However, men have been warned by media reports that they risk being "beaten half to death" by police if they dare pay a visit.

The Toronto Star:

Mildred's Temple Kitchen is inviting customers to have sex in its bathrooms.

The Valentine's weekend promotion takes uncomfortable but electrifying sex from the close confines of an airplane and transfers it to the unisex stalls of the Hanna Ave. restaurant.

The Liberty Village restaurant proposes its modern bathrooms become one of the "101 places to have sex before you die."

Mildred's has always elicited a certain response. One customer, who didn't want to be named, remembers going to a wedding at the eatery's old location and seeing a copy of the Kama Sutra in the bathroom.

"They invite it," said the customer.

This time, the invitation is explicit. On its website, Mildred's asks: "Have you given any thought to moving beyond the bedroom?

"Check out Mildred's Sexy Bathrooms throughout the weekend of Big Love. You get the picture."

Actually, the picture is clouded by practicalities. Is the restaurant supplying condoms? What about the health risks of body fluids? And who's cleaning up?

"We've always had little trysts in our bathrooms," says chef/co-owner Donna Dooher, pointing to lingering weekday lunches as a popular time. "We're taking it to the next level on Valentine's weekend."

"Donna Dooher." Heh.

Via Holy Taco

. . . that I can get completely behind.

The Smoking Gun:

Though J. Edgar Hoover's minions often probed the interstate transportation of obscene material featuring Bettie Page, the notorious pin-up model was nonetheless willing to help agents when it came to FBI inquiries about the production of certain "flagellation and bondage pictures," according to bureau records. When a 1957 police drug raid on a Harlem apartment turned up a cache of obscene magazines and photos, paddles, a riding crop, a whip, and lengths of chain, rawhide, and rope, FBI agents contacted Page for some expert guidance. Specifically, they wanted to know if the apartment was a photo studio where obscene material was produced. According to the below memo sent to Hoover, Page told investigators that she "had never heard of that type of photography being made in Harlem." An agent reported that Page also advised that the "flagellation and bondage pictures that she had posed for" were shot "in photographic studios or photographers apartments." The seized porn, which included "two books and four pictures depicting Betty Page in various poses," was shipped to Washington for "examination" by the FBI Laboratory, according to a second memo.

I don't care what you do, toots, this birdie ain't singing, no way, uh-huh. What's that? You'll make me squeal like a pig?

Well, sure, that can be arranged.

The Smoking Gun:

Just today I lost 15 pounds! I might never eat again!

Because my title is better. Warning: Language.

Unsurprisingly, these old texts can be pretty misogynistic. But The Kama Sutra starts to seem downright feminist when it argues against those who would deny women access to its pages. According to Vatsyayana, even “young maidens” should study up. They should also spend their time developing skills in: tattooing, “the art of making beds,” fashioning earrings, magic/sorcery, “making parrots [etc.] out of yarn or thread,” “teaching [real] parrots to speak,” and practicing “sentences difficult to pronounce” i.e. tongue twisters. Character building! Even more awesomely, it is also advised that girls study up on sword-fighting, gambling, carpentry, chemistry, and cock, quail, and ram fighting. Throw cigar smoking in there, and you got yourself a private school education.

National Enquirer:

King schmuck ANTHONY WEINER action figure on sale figs are rocketing as embattled pol enters “Tweetment”.

HeroBuilders.com which has already cornered the newsworthy action figure doll of the moment with spoof Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton dolls has unsheathed the Anthony Weiner doll – in two collectible versions.

“Everyone wants a Weiner,” Herobuilder prez Emil Vicate says.

And now Weiner up and quits, the dick.

Never mind this poor entrepreneur, who has invested countless dollars in a now-obsolete property. What about me? The hundreds of hours spent researching and writing this -- all wasted now.

Oh, well, I'll still have Jack "The Hmong Handjobee" Layton to kick around. (Rumor has it that the young lady who successfully applied the "Kung Fu" grip could earn as much as a shiny new toonie tip from Jenerous Jack.)

Montreal Gazette:

Many Canadians don't realize that slavery existed in Canada, he [Conservative Senator Don Oliver] said. A number of legislators in Ontario, which was then called Upper Canada, were slave owners, as were a number of eminent people in the province of Quebec. In Nova Scotia, where Oliver is from, black people were sold at public auction.

"I still have an ad for a 'buxom young female, 14 years of age, for sale,'" he said.

Has Jack "The Cambodian Creeper" Layton heard of this? Because I'm sure he'll be all over her this delicious disgusting example of female entrepreneurship subjugation. Or maybe she's got a sister?

Toronto Sun:

An Ontario man will be back in court Tuesday to challenge nudity laws and argue that it is his right to be naked in public.

Brian Coldin of Bracebridge, Ont., was charged with public nudity after police say he went into a local Tim Hortons and an A&W in his birthday suit in May 2009. The trial has been ongoing, but now Coldin's lawyers will argue that the nudity laws in section 174 of the Criminal Code are too broad and unconstitutional.

His lawyers said that, even if they win their client's case, public indecency laws would still apply to those acting inappropriately while nude, but it would be up to the discretion of the police. Sunbathing nude, for instance, would be allowed. An Ontario man will be back in court Tuesday to challenge nudity laws and argue that it is his right to be naked in public.

Brian Coldin of Bracebridge, Ont., was charged with public nudity after police say he went into a local Tim Hortons and an A&W in his birthday suit in May 2009. The trial has been ongoing, but now Coldin's lawyers will argue that the nudity laws in section 174 of the Criminal Code are too broad and unconstitutional.

His lawyers said that, even if they win their client's case, public indecency laws would still apply to those acting inappropriately while nude, but it would be up to the discretion of the police. Sunbathing nude, for instance, would be allowed.

I can state for the record that I have absolutely no desire to see this Ontario creep naked. And that goes for the guy beside Ruby, too.

I don't know if Jack "The Ainu Assaulter" Layton swings that way, but it's probably worth a try. I understand he's quite the fan of "manly handshakes," of the firm and vigorous variety.

Dr. Helen Smith:

Why does this campaign support misandry to make a point about neutering pets? The actress does a little laugh in the commercial, telling people she is not serious, but frankly, the only people who would find this funny are man-hating women and the Uncle Tims who support them (of which there are many) like her already neutered husband who is in the PSA retrieving what are left of his balls for the night. Now, that looks pretty appropriate. I would say that, like the neutered dog on Heigl’s lap, she keeps her husband on a pretty short leash.

In retaliation, I shall never watch an episode of Grey's Anatomy again. (To be sure, I didn't watch it previously, but now I mean it.)